Smack Down!
What on earth do you do with an almost-3 year old whose first response to anger is to hit, punch, or slap you?
I'm at my wit's end. The boy is such a boy, but damn, stop hitting me. I have tried time outs (ummm, I don't even really get them, so they totally don't work in this house), taking things away, and yes, even spanking on his diapered bottom, which is a last resort, but at the same time, doesn't that just go against the "don't hit" rule I'm trying to teach him? Daddy slapped his hands yesterday for a lovely episode where Evan got mad, came right up to Daddy, and tried to punch him as hard as he could for not being allowed to go outside. It shocked him, and made him even more angry, where he came back with another punch and got his other hand slapped. Sigh.
We're working on "using our words" and "tell me why you're mad", but it's slow going. I want my child to be able to communicate in a healthy way, but wow, can I see how parents can lose it. Those parents on tv who, when I had an innocent beautiful speechless infant in my arms, I could not fathom how they hurt their children, but now, I can see how easy it could be to cross the line. I won't, don't worry, I'm well-trained in the walk-away-until-you-no-longer-see-purple stage, but it's understandable how it happens. Still not acceptable, by any means, but I can see how it happens now. There nothing worse than a toddler beating you (literally) and challenging every word that comes out of your mouth. I have walked away about half a dozen times this week.
For example, our conversation yesterday:
E: I want to go outside!
Me: No, buddy, not right now. We need to eat dinner.
E: I want to go outside NOW!
Me: I said no. You can go outside later.
E: NOOOO!
Me: Sit down at the table.
E: NOOOO!
Me: Sit down or you will not go outside tonight.
E: NOOOO! I WILL GO OUTSIDE. YOU A BAD MOMMY! I NO SIT DOWN!
Me: Sit down now, or go to bed.
E: NOOOO! I NOT GO TO BED!
Ok, so you get the idea. We have this conversation in this style for everything from bedtime to picking out something to drink. The child is insane in the challenge department. The other day, I sat in his room and just sobbed after one of these little conversations, not knowing what to do next other than strong-arming him into doing something. Of course, he became my sweet mushy lovey kid and told me "Mommy, you no cry. It's O-Tay! No cry mommy." When I couldn't stop crying, blubbering to my 2 year old that he makes mommy sad when he doesn't listen, he started crying and in a heart-wrenching fashion, looked right at me through his tears and said, "No! I no make mommy sad. You make Evan sad!" Manipulation at it's finest.
I'm open to suggestions here, folks. I cannot fathom where we go from here. He's a damn smart kid, which makes this harder. I don't want to bribe him, or negotiate with him on certain things. He's TWO for crying out loud. Why am I arguing with a 2 year old?? I can tell that talking to him is working a bit, but it's not instant, and there is no consequence. Daddy slapping him on the hands made him think twice about hitting Daddy, but not Mommy. Because Daddy is his buddy, and I am Evil Mommy these days (did he turn 14 or something while I wasn't looking???). He needs consequences that he can understand, but here's the thing- he seems to enjoy the consequences.
We've been trying to get him not to dump over the bowl of water for the dogs outside. It's his favorite look what I did when you weren't looking thing right now. So, I had a friend over, he dumps the bowl over, and I thought we'd try throwing out a toy for each time he did that. I'll be damned if that kid didn't happily pick out a toy each time and go put it in the garbage. And yes, I followed through. I always follow through. I don't want to be the mommy that caves and gives idle threats. I want what I say to mean something. But when he happily follows the consequences, what next? I swear, he enjoys it because it baffles me. My friend sat open mouthed as he happily carried each toy to the garbage and dumped it in. "Is that normal?" she asked. I have no clue. Probably not. But I swear, he wore a wicked smirk while he did it. I swear, he knew what he was doing. And no, I haven't asked him to throw out any more toys.
So where do we go in this wrestling match for control and manners and listening skills? Hell if I know. Any suggestions?
posted by YAHPR @ 6:10 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Ah, you have a Very Smart Child. Your Very Smart Child is not interested in getting X or Y, he's not interested in avoiding punishments, your Very Smart Child is demonstrating that he is in control.
By letting him throw out his toys, you allowed him to remain in control. So, even as he was accepting his punishment, he was winning.
My littlest sister was like this and life was a battle and I'm so sorry.
My suggestion would be to put a latch lock high up on his door and when he misbehaves he gets a time-out. This is what happens:
"Evan, do X"
"No!"
"You will do X or we'll have a time out"
"No!"
You put him in his room (or better, another room without toys) and lock the door. If you can get him to stay in a corner and/or are willing to get punched until he knows you mean it, put him in a corner and hold him there if necessary.
Get an egg timer. Time out 3 minutes. He must stay in time out until the bell from the timer rings.
Sweetie, this is the hardest part: Take all emotion out. You are deadpan. You are neither happy or sad or angry or frustrated or ANYTHING by his behavior.
That is the dagnabit hardest part. He continues to do what he's doing because he's getting a reaction and a reaction is control. You have to remove his ability to get what he wants (control) by misbehaving.
Of course, I'm over here and not getting the crap beat out of me by my two year old so it's easy for me to say.
Next time, if you decide to do the toy thing, what I suggest is that YOU pick the toys and you put them in a box somewhere where he can see them clearly but not reach them. Empty his room if you have to. Then he can "earn" toys back by being polite and nice.
If he's a control freak you are going to have to remove all semblense of control for him and totally shut down your responses.
Let me see if I can find what we do for time outs. We have a 'naughty step', and we were having a lot of trouble recently with Wallace following directions. I had to have three miserable days of pretty much constant naughty steps to bring him back in line. It was hell, but it worked.
And stop hitting. I don't think a spank on the bottom or a smacked hand is going to hurt him long-term, but I do think that he's just manipulating you. He's learned that when you're upset you hit, which is what you're trying NOT to teach him.
Man. I'm so sorry. It's rough. Right now mine his horrible and weepy and falls apart at the smallest perceived injustice. It's a different behaviour, but just as manipulative. We're trying to completely ignore it.
He's allowed to wail piteously, but it won't get him what he wants. Including our attention, good or bad.
Jo is where we learned the naughty step and it's very effective. The trick with your little man, I think, is going to be making sure he stays there and replacing him or holding him there even if he's thrashing around.
http://www.supernanny.us.com/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Discipline-and-Reward/The-Naughty-Step.aspx
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