Another One Bites The Dust

So, you may recall I joined an online support group while trying to conceive, and it totally helped me get through the miscarriage. I'm thinking now I may have to take a break.

There are 9 women in the group, and 6 of them are now pregnant. None of them were when I joined them less than a year ago. Three of us have gotten pregnant and miscarried. Three of us have gotten pregnant and stayed pregnant. One of the three miscarriages just announced she's pregnant again a few minutes ago, the second cycle after her miscarriage. I want to be happy for her, I really do, but I cannot be. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm furious at my damn body for miscarrying, though my brain tells me there was probably good reason.

I hate that I feel this way, that I feel like a failure in my own skin for something that comes so easy to others. I feel like I shouldn't be so hard on myself for something I cannot really control. I hate that I cannot really be happy for someone who has been so supportive of me and everyone else in the group. I hate all of it.

I hate this whole trying to conceive piece of shit business as I sit here with cramps the size of Texas and the need to tote tampons to the ballgame today. I must have peed on a million pee sticks again this month, because my cycles are still fucked up from the miscarriage, and now I go 16 days past ovulation instead of 14, giving me false hope that maybe, just maybe, this is it. But it isn't. It wasn't. And it fucks with my head in a way I've never had to deal with emotion.

I think I just need to be done. Resign to the fact that it may never happen. Because it hasn't happened in two years time, and the one time we got close, the hopes and dreams slipped away in a cruel twist of fate. I fucking hate this. And I'm still terrified and always will be terrified that if it happens again, if I get to see two lines on a pregnancy test, that they will slip away as well.

I hate it.