The Heart Of The Matter

Tomorrow is my dad's mother's 80th birthday party, and toady I found myself angry and my heart aching. Yes, this woman is my grandmother in the blood sense, but not in the way it really matters. She was never loving or fun, we never felt special or wonderful, nor were we a burden or a bother. We were simply "the other" grandchildren.

We grew up in the same area as all the other grandkids, went to all the same family holidays and parties, but because my dad married my mom, and my mom was proper and polite and quiet (quite unlike the other wives), she never pushed us to the center spotlight (thank god!), but let the pushier, pettier women shove their kids, my cousins, into the "best grandchildren" category. We never fit in. We never felt loved. We were often the recipients of our aunt's twisting of the knife in my mother's direction. Growing up with my dad's side of the family was often painful. And when my brother and I were old enough to say no, we did. No more.

On the other hand, we grew up loved, sheltered and supported by my mom's side. We laughed, we were loved, and we were always happy. My mom's mom made sure we were the center of her world when we were with her, and because of it we felt connected, and safe when we were with her and her family. Her eyes lit up when she was us, her smile was always for us, and us alone. She loved us with her whole heart and then some. She was "Grandma", even though another existed on my dad's side. And she's been gone a year ago October, and my heart aches with an emptiness that will never be filled.

Gram's holiday was Christmas Eve, and this one came and went with her on my mind, and the hope that my hosting of the holiday now lived up to her standards. Even in her death, I still long to make her proud, to make her smile. And I think I did pretty ok, but when my dad called today to remind me of his mom's 80th party tomorrow, I was filled with a sadness I haven't felt in a while now, and a surprising anger that we're celebrating the wrong grandmother's birthday. It should be MY gram that is still with us.

The only other soul in this entire world who understands is my brother, so I called him. Ironically, I was on my way to Hallmark to get a card for tomorrow, and he was already there. In all seriousness, but in a joking tone, he read out different cards that just wouldn't work: "Dearest Grandmother, the memories I have of you growing up will always remain with me..." and "Words can never express..." blah blah blah. We vented to each other about how much tomorrow will suck, how much we miss Gram, and how we wish she was still with us. I told him I cried on the way to Hallmark because I missed her so much today. He admitted both he and his wife cried during Fred Claus because the movie played Gram's song and they just couldn't help it. And we were angry for the love we can no longer wrap ourselves around whenever Gram is near.

Is it wrong to be angry? It's not my grandmother's fault that my Gram isn't with us anymore. But I feel cheated by her anyway. And my brother and I will fulfill our duty as grandchildren to appear tomorrow at her party, and then get the hell out of there until our next required visit. It's just not fair. I just miss my Gram so much.

I hope you had one hell of a Christmas party in Heaven, Gram. I'm sure the eggnog was killer. And I really wish you would've been here with us instead. I could sure use a hug from you.