Random Thoughts of a Tired Mind

The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotion, trying to get back on track, and vascillating between a pity party and feeling optimistic. It's exhausting. My mind seems to be wandering to random things at weird moments, and I had to laugh while running errands today because I was listening to my Ipod, and with the flashes going on in my head, it was like I had my own music video going on in there.

I had to go this morning to get my blood drawn to make sure my hcg levels are decreasing, as they should be now. The nurse was sympathetic and a wonderful needle-sticker (thank you, dear nurse). I laughingly told her that she could draw my blood any day after my ER experience with Dr. Harsh Hands and Nurse Jabs-a-lot. Seriously, ER doctors should NOT be allowed to do any sort of gynelogical exams AT ALL. Good God, I wasn't in pain until that damn ER doctor got a hold of me. And if you work in the ER and commonly have to put IVs in people, shouldn't you actually be good at it??? Anyway, I'll have the hcg level reading back tomorrow, and we'll know if it's all going in the right (or is that the wrong?) direction.

The weird thing is the purging. Not throwing up, mind you, although that might do me some good after the TWO meals of french toast waffles with chocolate syrup pity party I threw myself on Tuesday, but the opposite of nesting. I cannot stop. I am a crazed zombie in the "must clean NOW" department. And that is so not me. I have a method to my madness that my husband does not understand, but I can find a single paper in a pile of 500 papers, can find one lone sock in a giant pile of clothes- but I have no organization skills that really count. But, all of this week, I have thrown out, organized, cleaned, scrubbed, vacuumed, polished, and basically purged my soul of how dirty and wrong the house feels. Weird, isn't it? I'm sure there is some deep psychological explanation for it, but the simple explanation is that it's all helping to heal a wound and making me feel like I'm in control of something.

The fact of the matter is that I'm terrified now that if we try again, the joy, the wonder, and the excitement of being pregnant will be gone. That this will overshadow everything. I'm not used to being scared of life. I don't quite know how to handle this part of it, so I'm purging. Emotionally, I've grieved and am getting back on track and looking forward to the future. Physically, I'm done with the cramping and the bleeding is now down to a minimum. But, in reality, I'm still a bit unsure of things. I know it takes time. And I know all the flashbacks and random memories are helping piece "me" back together.

But it still sucks.