Forgiveness

You've all heard that old line, "Forgive and Forget." Easier said than done, right? I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately, mostly due to my dad. I've been trying this exercise in thinking called "putting yourself in his/her shoes", which really, doesn't help me much in a lot of cases. For example, I try this in my professional realm before making a tough phone call. I tend to fail miserably, as most people's excuses in life are cop-outs, laziness, and full out asshole. I have a hard time putting myself in those people's shoes, and then when I do, I tend to beat myself up while in those shoes for being such a dumbass no-good fuckwad. I'm sorry, but I don't role play well when I have to play the idiot.

Anywho, I've been thinking about this a lot because of how much Evan loves my dad. I mean, I love my dad, but Evan has this... connection. I can't explain it, but for how few and far between my dad sees Evan, Evan's eyes just light up when his Poppy is around. Evan found an old picture of my mom and dad taken when they originally reconciled for a split second, and he was ecstatic! Poppy AND Grandma TOGETHER! His two favorite adults in the universe IN THE SAME PICTURE. I was more than devastated, and Russ had to try to explain it to him since they now live with other people. Thankfully, it was beyond his grasp, and he let it go.

So I got to thinking. What is it that made my dad leave 30 years of his life behind for a trucker-whore woman? Could I put myself in his shoes? Was it the sex? Sure. Was it feeling wanted? Ok. But is that worth it? I mean, really worth it? To throw away 30 years of your life for sex and want? I don't know.

I wonder if my dad did ok while we needed him, and then began to flail when we got older. He was the champion bringing home the bacon, supporting t-ball and horseback riding lessons, taking us camping and to other outings. And then suddenly, we were coping out there in the real world, excelling in life, no longer needing parents as young children, but needing them as adults do. Wouldn't most parents bond over this, put their heads together in pride as they look onto the two fully functional, socially responsible and kind-hearted people they had raised and go party... together? Hell, I'd be all teary eyed and proud, and then see if hubby wanted to go to the Bahamas or go to a Cubs game. It didn't work that way for my parents. My dad went out and found a new family, a new "son" who needed him to help him buy a car, a new "woman" who needed him to pay the bills and buy a house. I have a hard time figuring it out. Because when my mom and dad are together, there is still love there. It's blatantly obvious to everyone to the point of confusion if mom and dad's current significant others aren't present. I don't get it.

I keep trying and trying to put myself in his shoes, to forgive and forget, but I cannot seem to do it. I end up at sex and want, and to me, that doesn't seem like enough to throw everything away. When I factor in happiness, it actually makes me sad to think that we couldn't make my dad happy. That my dad may have been miserable for so many years, and stayed.... why? To wait until we didn't need him anymore? We still need him. He crushes my brother again and again and again telling stories of "her" son, when he has shut himself out of my brother's life. He doesn't even realize it most times. Doesn't register the complete heartbreak on my brother's face as he goes on and on and on about his other life, this other boy who he is now a father figure to. I know children have suffered much much worse, and I know that the complaints are petty. I'm just trying so hard to put myself in my dad's shoes so I can forgive him for tearing his family apart, forgive him for not knowing his grandson like he should, forgive him for hurting all of us, but I just find... not enough.

I need to keep working on this. Life is too short, I know. But forgiveness is hard. Understanding may never come, I know this as well, but for Evan's sake, I need to keep working at it. And really, when I put myself in my dad's shoes, I just find an asshole standing there, and I don't want to do that exercise anymore.