The Real John McCain

The other side of the story:

Make-Believe Maverick from Rolling Stone

Dinners for the Broke

So, I've been trying really hard to buy dinner ingredients that keep the cost of dinners way down, and we're already bored to tears with our options. Money is so tight, it's not even funny, and I only imagine it's about to get tighter. I'm dog-sitting for extra money a few times this month, and we're selling off just about anything we don't need (aka horse stuff from a time when I had zero responsibilties but myself) to give us a cushion. But, pasta and garlic bread is doable once a week, as are sloppy joes and some sort of chicken, but I cannot tolerate tuna casserole that often, and my ground turkey/ground beef recipes are limited. I am also limited by my short attention span to recipes that involve more than a handful of ingredients, or that take a whole bunch of time to prepare. I've been on website after website, but I tend not to trust any of them that they will be any good. Sigh.

So, if anyone has any inexpensive dinner recipes you'd be willing to share, I'm all ears. I'm pro-crock pot, too, so that's cool with me as well. To be fair, I'll share my fave recipe right now. We don't have a food processor, so the chopping takes a bit of time since all veggies in my recipes must be the size of rice, but it is so good that even Evan will eat it, veggies and all:

Meatloaf Muffins by Rachael Ray

The Haunting

Realized last night that it's October. Not October, but October. When our "Halloween baby" should be here, if my body hadn't betrayed me. My mind locked up last night, stuck in a spin cycle of where our lives should be versus where they are at. And I suppose I'll be haunted by what could have been again come February 14, when our "Valentine's baby" should have been arriving, had my body not betrayed me a second time. And I'm haunted by the souls that should have shared this house with us, one of which should be here at any second, should have been sleeping in a crib where, instead, I sit and type these haunted thoughts. And I wonder if Evan remembers our Halloween baby discussion, wonder if he remembers I told him maybe we'd just have a baby a little later, wonder if he realizes just how much time had really passed. And I look at him now, at a time where he should about to be a big brother, and my heart breaks and hurts all over again.

I'm haunted, too, by the fear that, if we ever make it to attempt number three, that it will be "three strikes, you're out" instead of "third times a charm". And the fear that there will forever be a desk in this very spot where my computer sits, that I will forever have to sit here and wonder what might have been, forever picture a crib in the corner where a stack of work lies instead.

I hate this body. If it would only fucking work the way it's supposed to.

The things I would've missed

I've spent the last two weeks living the life of a "single" mom, as my husband is out of the country for his annual trip to Hong Kong. He comes home tomorrow, and this year has been by far the easiest with Evan. I think the fact that he understands the concept of time now, understands distance and our relation on the globe to where China is, and the fact that Daddy can call by internet phone all made it much, much easier. Evan made Daddy a welcome home card tonight, complete with a boat drawing and a fire truck drawing, hopped willingly into bed, didn't whine for an extra story, and eagerly shut his eyes when the lights went out. Daddy comes home tomorrow!

I started thinking back to my husband's 1st trip 9 years ago, and how different life is now. The first few years he went to Hong Kong were a fun little away adventure for me- I'd watch whatever tv I wanted, ate cereal every night for dinner, did whatever I wanted. Then 5 years ago, I was supposed to go with, but Evan came into our lives instead, and that trip never did happen for me- nor will it any time soon. Since then, the trip has been a heartache for the most part, more for my husband than for me, more for Evan than for anyone else. The first trip after Evan was born, Evan was only 3 months old, so it was rough on me. The second trip, it was rough on both of us. But the third trip, last year, was so hard on Evan, it broke my heart to pieces. He fell apart after about 5 days, and acted out in ways that made us both sit on the floor and cry our eyes out together. This year, we marked off the days on the calendar, talked about how many days were left, what we would do when Daddy got home, and before we both knew it, the last day was here- today! Whew! This year was a piece of cake!

After Evan went to bed tonight, I started picking up the house, and thought about how much I would be missing if he weren't here with me. If I were still just waiting for my husband to come home by myself, how many things in life would be so completely different. I'm so glad I don't have to wait by myself. As I was cleaning the mirror in the bathroom, I had to smile as I wiped down toothpaste splatter that only a four year old can muster up. I'd miss out on so much if he weren't around. Things like:

- Plastic dinosaurs in my soaker tub, complete with one placed just so under the bath mat so I can't avoid stepping on it.
- Orange bubbilicious toothpaste every morning, complete with "shiny teeth check"
- Tiny socks in practically every room of the house (seriously, don't ask how often I wash socks)
- Toys in, under, and around every room and piece of furniture in the house
- Pawprint shaped confetti in his bed (yeah, we went over why this was a table craft)
- Multi-colored dog poop from crayons forever left on the floor (Daisy just loves Crayola)
- Handprints and nose prints on the front window where he looks for visitors or me or Daddy
- A coffee table that needs to be wiped down on a daily basis from constant use and abuse
- Hand towels smeared with whatever the latest 4-year old clean-up may be- he loves to "help"!
- A pile of little shoes by the garage door entrance, because the first thing he learned in this house was "no shoes on the carpet!" and he takes it VERY seriously. I love this kid.
- Glitter all over my car from a shiny green paper apple he proudly waved everywhere after school today. My, my, it does glitter. So does the carpet in the minivan now!
- Batman in my coat pocket, matchbox cars in my purse, a pretend credit card in my wallet, and baseball cards in the glovebox, and always, always, some sort of emergency snack on hand.

I went around the house, smiling at every little thing I had to clean, from the leftover orange foam bathsoap stuck stubbornly to the tub's edge, to the pillows in disarray on our bed where he built a "jumpy pile", to the socks sitting right here at my feet, a little reminder that no matter where I am, he's always here with me. I love this kid with every inch of my being. I cannot imagine being away from him for 12 days. I could hear it in my husband's voice each time he got off the phone with Evan. Evan will be excited to see Daddy tomorrow, but I'm willing to bet these little socks at my feet that Daddy cannot wait to see Evan.