The "What If" Battle

I've thought about posting this a few times, but am a private person, so I haven't. I've found comfort in talking to people I barely know about this on a lovely support group I happened to stumble upon, but other than my husband, I don't think anyone really knows. And the main reason no one knows, is that I loathe people feeling sorry for me. So I'm going to tell all of you this on one condition: No "I'm so sorry" or "You poor thing" or any of those other things people say that really don't help at all. Because we've discussed this as a family, and we're ok with the What If's that come along with what I'm about to tell you.

The fact of the matter is, we've been trying pretty darn hard to have another kid, and it's not happening. We may not be able to. I'm having a bunch of tests done next week to see if it's me- hormone imbalance, cysts, whatever- but it could be my husband as well, seeing as he's 12 years older than me. I have a sneaking suspicion it's me.

I went off the pill over 2 years ago with the intention of "let's see what happens" turning into a pregnancy. Nothing happened. So I started keeping track of period lengths and used a computer to "predict" my ovulation window. Nothing. 17 months ago, we really started trying every month around that predicted window. Nothing. So 5 months ago, I started using digital ovulation predictor kits to make sure we were getting the timing right. For the most part, we have. Still nothing.

When I got pregnant with our son, it was a total surprise. We weren't trying- we were preventing, actually. So I figured the next one would be just as easy. Wrong. Turns out that secondary infertility is fairly common. I started researching what I could do to help myself, and it's surprising the things you can do to take control- exercise more to regulate hormones, chart your morning temperature to see when exactly you ovulate (I'm terrible at this), natural supplements, timing of sex- there's a lot! But, I still need the doc to "look under the hood". I spot every month before I menstruate, sometimes for days on end. Spotting is something that has happened my whole life, but it starts earlier each month I'm off the pill, sometimes making me spot a whole week before Aunt Flow comes to town. That, combined with the fact I had a c-section with our son, worries me.

We've talked about the what if's, and we've decided we won't go to any extremes. If it's just us and our son, we'll be ok with it. I'm not itching for a baby so badly that we'll adopt or go through invitro-fertilization- if this was our first child, maybe. But for now, we're going to get healthy, try harder, and get the basics checked out.

I found a wonderful group of women on a great website for those trying to conceive, and we all hold each other up at the end of the month when that pregnancy test is negative. I go for my pity party there, and then get on with my life. No one there is feeling sorry for anyone else. They are strong women, and we're all going through various versions of this. One of them has gone through 4 miscarriages in the last year, losing one baby at 17 weeks- I think I'd stop trying at that point, but she soldiers on. Our predicament seems light compared to hers, and it keeps things in perspective for me.

I hope to have some answers next week, but maybe we won't. Why did I decide to post now? I don't know, really. I guess I've talked about it enough with strangers who have become friends that I finally feel ok with it. I still rejoice in my friends pregnancies, still like baby showers, still like babies in general- I don't have any of those harsh feelings that some women tend to get, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with having a sweet boy of my own to love and cherish already. If we cannot give him a sibling, then we can't. If we can, we'll keep trying. On the bright side, if we can't, we'll save a ton of money on birth control pills the next 10 years!

So there you have it. I'll post an update next week, if there is one to post.

Big Loser

In an effort to stave off my genetically inclined big ass, I have joined the Biggest Loser Club. Will it work? Who knows. Does it inspire me to get on the treadmill and move? Yes. For how long? Only God knows. I may not be the Biggest Loser, but hopefully I'll be a Big Loser anyway. You know, in a good way.

Heart attack and then some

Last night we were watching the news, only to see that this touched down in the small rural town where I keep my beloved horse.

This F3 Tornado (yes, that's a picture of the actual tornado) left a path of destruction over 13 miles long, and I couldn't get a hold of anyone to tell me that the barn or the house were still standing.

Can I tell you right now how much I LOVE the internet? Because at 10pm last night, I was online tracking the path of the tornado in comparison with google maps to see just how far north of my beloved horse's home the tornado weaved its destructive powers. And the answer- not far. But, I had enough relief to think that all was fine. No names of the hospitalized matched up, none of the pictures of smashed properties looked familiar. But as of this morning, I had still heard nothing. With one foot out the door to drive there, I got an email finally stating all was fine, and the tornado indeed landed north of where my horse is at. Thank freakin' god.

I love my horse, as I love all creatures who depend on me for my care, but I have joked sometimes that a lightning strike wouldn't be such a terrible way for him to go. Last night, I was freaking out that maybe some God had taken me seriously, and the bile kept rising up in my throat. Good god, I never actually really meant that. I mean, yes, he's a VERY expensive lawn mower, and not even a riding lawn mower at that, but he's a living, breathing, loving creature with a fantabulous sense of humor that I would hate to see wiped off this earth in a whirlwind of destruction. I'm so glad that all four of his disfunctional and non-earning feet are still on the earth tody.