The Thaw

Last week, it was awesome to have a taste of spring in the beginning of February. We took advantage. We went to the park, we flew a kite, we played outside, we went to the park, we played outside some more, and cleaned out the garage. It was awesome. I also picked up about 400 pounds of dog shit out of the backyard, but yay, it's clean again. Of course, it's supposed to snow again tomorrow. Sigh.

Evan enjoyed our short moment of de-hibernation, and lived it to the fullest as only boys can- covered in mud, covered in water, oblivious to any cold, and with a smile on his face the whole time. I let him jump and splash and roll and dive and run and basically do whatever he wanted to while the sun shined and the snow melted. It was a moment in heaven in the middle of a hellish winter. And so, I give you, "The Thaw", in pictures.

Third Time's a Charm?

Nope. Three strikes and you're out. We got pregnant again, only to lose yet another pregnancy. In total, I've been pregnant 4 times, with only one child to show for it, though he is amazing and the light of my life. After all of this, I am constantly in awe of just how easily he came into our lives, and know each day he was truly meant to be.

I considered keeping this one to myself, but then thought better for the sake of those who are going through this, too, and I know several women who I now call friends that have gone through this and worse. It's nothing I did, it's nothing I could have prevented, and it's not my own personal fault, but the fault of a body that, for some reason, no longer wants to hold a pregnancy.

The ironic thing is that I was finally referred to the fertilty side of my obgyn's practice, and the day of my fertilty consult, I showed up with a very light positive pregnancy test in hand. I went through the whole consult, fearing I would be shown the door if I showed my evidence first, and then at the end simply said, "well, maybe I should have brought this up sooner, but can I have some bloodwork drawn?" And the bloodwork was positive, but the pregnancy didn't stick yet again. But, the upside is that I've given them vials upon vials of my blood to analyze, and now the ball is in motion for diagnostics as to why the hell my body betrays me time and time again.

I don't know where this infertility journey will take us. So far everything has come back "normal" except progesterone, which we already knew. I've been on baby aspirin for months now, progesterone after ovulating for months as well, and yet this one didn't stick. So it's something else, hopefully something that can be fixed. The journey begins.

I have a pre-conception nutritional counseling session next week, where I'm sure I'll be told all the latest ideas in prenatal diet that I already know due to my obsessive research into infertility since the first miscarriage. But maybe there will be more, and it's required anyway, so here we go. I'll be screened for every genetic issue under the sun, have my tubes and uterus injected with dye and x-rayed, will be ultrasounded and injected and will undergo just about everything I would have, at one point in time, considered too intrusive. The magic of conception and the innocence that went along with my first pregnancy are far gone. And I have already accepted the fact my son is a miracle. After watching 2 "due dates" now come and go with nothing to show for it but sadness, and now knowing that a 3rd "due date" will have to be dealt with emotionally as well, I now know I can make it through and try again. I was worried I couldn't, but I can.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I'm done grieving. I'm mildly hopeful and optimistic about having answers, even if the answer is no. At least the ambiguity of the whole situation will be gone. We've talked adoption as well, which, by the way, is SO expensive! Damn! But, that door has been left open for if, or when, the other doors close.

And, life is good in so many other ways, and I have a wonderful husband and son, and we all love each other to pieces. If this is the way my family is meant to be, if there is only meant to be three of us, then so be it. I can accept that. But I owe it to three little angels to not give up just yet.