The Heart Of The Matter

Tomorrow is my dad's mother's 80th birthday party, and toady I found myself angry and my heart aching. Yes, this woman is my grandmother in the blood sense, but not in the way it really matters. She was never loving or fun, we never felt special or wonderful, nor were we a burden or a bother. We were simply "the other" grandchildren.

We grew up in the same area as all the other grandkids, went to all the same family holidays and parties, but because my dad married my mom, and my mom was proper and polite and quiet (quite unlike the other wives), she never pushed us to the center spotlight (thank god!), but let the pushier, pettier women shove their kids, my cousins, into the "best grandchildren" category. We never fit in. We never felt loved. We were often the recipients of our aunt's twisting of the knife in my mother's direction. Growing up with my dad's side of the family was often painful. And when my brother and I were old enough to say no, we did. No more.

On the other hand, we grew up loved, sheltered and supported by my mom's side. We laughed, we were loved, and we were always happy. My mom's mom made sure we were the center of her world when we were with her, and because of it we felt connected, and safe when we were with her and her family. Her eyes lit up when she was us, her smile was always for us, and us alone. She loved us with her whole heart and then some. She was "Grandma", even though another existed on my dad's side. And she's been gone a year ago October, and my heart aches with an emptiness that will never be filled.

Gram's holiday was Christmas Eve, and this one came and went with her on my mind, and the hope that my hosting of the holiday now lived up to her standards. Even in her death, I still long to make her proud, to make her smile. And I think I did pretty ok, but when my dad called today to remind me of his mom's 80th party tomorrow, I was filled with a sadness I haven't felt in a while now, and a surprising anger that we're celebrating the wrong grandmother's birthday. It should be MY gram that is still with us.

The only other soul in this entire world who understands is my brother, so I called him. Ironically, I was on my way to Hallmark to get a card for tomorrow, and he was already there. In all seriousness, but in a joking tone, he read out different cards that just wouldn't work: "Dearest Grandmother, the memories I have of you growing up will always remain with me..." and "Words can never express..." blah blah blah. We vented to each other about how much tomorrow will suck, how much we miss Gram, and how we wish she was still with us. I told him I cried on the way to Hallmark because I missed her so much today. He admitted both he and his wife cried during Fred Claus because the movie played Gram's song and they just couldn't help it. And we were angry for the love we can no longer wrap ourselves around whenever Gram is near.

Is it wrong to be angry? It's not my grandmother's fault that my Gram isn't with us anymore. But I feel cheated by her anyway. And my brother and I will fulfill our duty as grandchildren to appear tomorrow at her party, and then get the hell out of there until our next required visit. It's just not fair. I just miss my Gram so much.

I hope you had one hell of a Christmas party in Heaven, Gram. I'm sure the eggnog was killer. And I really wish you would've been here with us instead. I could sure use a hug from you.

We're busy bailing ourselves out of the Christmas flood of presents for Evan, and I'm busy digging myself out of work, but here are a few amusing things from this Christmas. I'll leave the drama for another post.

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Evan was admiring a necklace I put on, since I rarely wear necklaces. It's an open diamond-shape, with a little speck of diamond on the bottom corner. I said, "Look Evan, this is from your Uncle P and Aunt L. Isn't it pretty? It's shaped like a diamond, right?" He took the charm in his little hands, looked up at me, and said, "But Mommy, did you get this from Zales The Diamond Store?".

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The night before Christmas Eve, Evan got all upset when we started to let the fire die out in the fireplace. "But Mommy! Santa won't be able to see our chimney! He'll get lost!" When we explained that Santa could find the chimney, and that he wouldn't be coming down it until the next night, and that we didn't want Santa to burn his butt when he came down the chimney anyway, he was all ok with the fire going out. But then on Christmas Eve night, when the fire was still blazing when he went to bed, he wailed and pleaded to put the fire out, "cuz if Santa burn his butt, he be real mad and won't put any presents under da tree!"

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We have a new cat named Conner. Conner is a cute orange tabby that is as friendly as they come. Somehow, the trailers for the movie, The Waterhorse and Conner's arrival have entwined themselves in Evan's imagination. Somehow, the cat is now a waterhorse. Evan will get this glint in his eye and say, "Mommy, have you seen a Waterhorse around here?" and then will spy Conner and say , "Hello, Waterhorse!"

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Holiday Babble

We're all slowly getting back to "normal" after being beaten over the head with various illnesses the last few weeks. Poor Evan has had the worst of it, being his first year in preschool. He seems to be sick at least once a week, or in other words, constantly. Last night he couldn't sleep from an earache, his first ever, and it almost kept him home from his school party today - almost.

Evan had his first Holiday Celebration at school. And oh, what fun! A 3 year old's dream is what today was. Not only was it show and tell day, where he brought his favorite monster truck, but it was bring gifts to teacher day! He so proudly went up to Ms. M and handed her the little gift bag with the Birthday Cake scented candle in it that he picked out all by himself (really, who wouldn't like to smell birthday cake all day?). He was too shy to hand it to the other teachers, so I left the bags where his teacher could encourage him to bring them to them in class.

So what else happens at a 3 year old's Holiday Celebration? A Candy Cane Hunt, that's what! Complete with obstacle course! And of course, you can't forget the singing of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", the making of a foam "s'more" reindeer, wrapping of your mom & dad's secret gift to put under the tree, make-your-own-holiday-cards, and of course, donut holes! I mean, what 3 year old party isn't complete without your standard donut holes? Seriously, the kid was a sweet pile of sugar by the time I picked him up, his eyes glazed over in a sweet semi-coma, and his was just so happy. A day of bliss for a 3 year old.

Santa is not a part of this party, which is a good thing. See, we already have a glitch in the Santa department because everyone in a Santa suit is no more than our friend, Matt. Yes, Matt does volunteer work with me, and every year he plays Santa for photos. So Evan always sees the Santa suit in the box, so I have to explain that Santa's suit is WAY nicer than the one we have in the box, and that the REAL Santa doesn't have time to take pictures with doggies, so Matt dresses up like Santa to make the doggies happy. So now, every guy dressed up like Santa is "Matt". Houston, we have a problem .We may never get a picture of Evan sitting in "Santa's" lap again. And I'm terrified that when we do see a "Santa", Evan is going to ruin it for other kids by saying, "That's not Santa, that's Matt!". He totally knows a real Santa exists, but he's already way too smart for the mall Santas. What have I done?

But, every morning Evan wakes up and when he rubs the fog from his eyes, he says, "Mommy! I woke up again! It's December 20!" Seriously, teachers should use advent calendars to teach kids the days of each month. Evan has it down pat after 20 days of waking up to chocolate treats in a calendar. He knows the dates, and he's starting to get the "nd" and "ths" after the date. Advent calendars are the genius way to teach. If teachers did math with chocolate, every kid would learn. 3 chocolate Santas plus 6 jelly beans equals 9 candies! Wahoo!

So, I'm scurrying around the house, because of course we're hosting Christmas Eve. I'm pretty much in Dyson mode now, trying to make this place look like a model home. We did get our kickass new rug in time for Christmas though, so whatever else happens, it doesn't matter. We've had our first official fire in the fireplace (and 2nd, 3rd, and 4th), we've hung blinds, we've finished the bathroom downstairs, and we've even managed to park two, count them, TWO cars in our 2 car garage. Call me crazy, but that's a miracle in itself.

There's the update. Sorry so sporadic in postings, but when you're on the computer all day typing, the last thing you want to do some days is type some more!

I hope all of you have a happy holiday. I can't wait until Christmas. Have I mentioned it's gonna rock?!

Dear Santa

This year, Christmas rocks. Evan is so excited, it brings all the magic back into the holiday. What's even cooler is that we just "mailed" his list to Santa, which, because I love the fact that my 3 year old can write, I'm going to share with you cuz it makes me all fuzzy and proud. He even decorated it with stickers and wrote "Santa" on the outside of the envelope before we mailed it. The whole experience this year is just awesome.

So, here's his letter, front and back, to Santa Clause:

and in case you need translating:

Dear Santa,

100 Cars,
Race Track
Pop Up Ramp
Monster Truck (Truck is written on page 2)
Video Game
Train Set
Race Car (written in pink, so it's hard for even Santa's Elves to read!)
Lincoln Logs

I didn't have to help the kid with any of the letters. He just told me what he wanted, and he'd say, "Mommy, you spell it for me?" and I'd tell him the letters, and he'd write 'em down. My favorite part is "100 Cars". This kid isn't messing around! He knows what he wants! We were playing Lincoln Logs this morning and I said, "We need more Lincoln Logs! We can't build the big tower building like on the box!" and Evan said, "Mommy, I wrote it on my list to Santa. Don't Worry!" So then I had to try and explain that Santa doesn't bring you everything on your list, just what he thinks you'll have the most fun with. I'm not sure he's buying that, but either way, I think I'm more excited than he is!